Day 10: A Letter to Someone who Pesters My Mind.

Dear Depression,

You like the dark, you like secrets and hiding places and whispering. You crawl through my skin and infect me like a virus.

You are clever, I’ll give you that much. You don’t just attack like George W. Bush went at Baghdad – all ‘shock and awe’ but no intelligence. No, you’re much more subtle than that, first you lead and coax and goad me away from the sunshine, you do it so gradually I don’t notice the dimness. Then at just the right moment you take pleasure in pointing out that I have wandered off the path again, “another failure” you sigh. You do it with just enough condescension to make me feel concerned, you’re careful though, concerned can quickly turn into action and that’s not what you want. Instead you show me how far I have gone, not so far that I can’t find my way back – but far enough that I should be tired, and so I am. Weary to my bones, my scalp feels too heavy upon my skull, my arms are filled with lead and my brain simply cannot follow a complete thought through. I’m just so tired. So you nurse me to the ground, “rest a while” you say, “it won’t hurt to take a small break, you’ve been doing so well”.  You stroke my brow and soothe my thoughts with hollow congratulations while the world slows down around me.

Then I awake in the dark, and all I hear is you. You know my pain and you torment me with it. You slice into me with my doubts and feed while I bleed, then you mock me as I struggle to fight, to cling to hope – you laugh. The worst part is the rage, it’s like wearing a coat of fire, it burns at the base of my skull and hooks into my gut. It’s violent, every hopeless thought, every agonised cry of self destruction  amplified, intensified and unleashed directly into the core of who I am. It is the void within. It is your home.

But.

That was then. I know you now.

You are a fraud, a thief and a liar. You are the cuckoo who forced me to do your bidding for far too long. I was never alone as you kept telling me I was. I was never without hope or love or a future – you just kept me from feeling it and seeing it. You’re strong but there is one who is stronger.

No, it isn’t me. I can’t take the credit for winning this battle, it would be so wrong of me to even pretend I had anything to do with it. God saved me, He saw me wretched and broken and dying. He loved me where you had nothing but hate and venom. I chose Him over you and now I am held by grace. My weakness to your voice is now covered by His strength. You must really hate that!

How did I choose Him? I asked Him in – simple as that. With that choice a door flung wide, shining light and hope into my darkness. Then I asked for help, the help of those who love me and the help of professionals. Every day I grew stronger until I was once again living and breathing – once again me.

I know there’s still times when you get me to wander into darkness again, but I’m anchored to Him – to love. That love shines in the darkness and you are so afraid of its power. You are such a coward.

Even if only one suffering  person reads this letter, I hope they’ll finally see you for what you are. I hope they recognise your presence the way I did, I hope they ask God to shine His light so they can find their way out. I hope they reach out to those who love them and ask them for help. I hope they seek medical advice and trust that God is holding them in His grace, as He promised He would to anyone who calls out to Him.

I hope you are afraid. The tables have turned. I am not ashamed of this weakness anymore, because I will use it to fight you on behalf of others.

Amelia.

**Thanks again Zaldy for the Photo!

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kellytyler
    Nov 06, 2011 @ 13:35:40

    Awesome!! This is so powerful, so raw and so honest. I am so proud of you! What a Precious Savior/ Friend we have!

    Reply

  2. Trackback: Day 18: A Letter To Someone Who Wants To Give Up | Creative Writer…
  3. rejuven8d
    Nov 22, 2011 @ 10:16:08

    nailed it!

    Reply

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