Day 29: A Letter To My Son

Hello There Boy,

This is your letter. It’s a special one. I’ve been baking it, pondering it and at times wrestling with it for a few weeks now. I knew I would get it here eventually, it’s just been a process. One day you will understand what a process is, for now don’t you worry about it.

A decade, that’s how long you’ve been around, and from the moment you entered our lives you have been loved, treasured and cherished, that won’t ever change, no matter what the future holds, your place in our hearts is secure and safe and growing daily.

Some days I catch myself looking at you and just shaking my head because I cannot believe how fast time has flown! My memories are so fresh that I can still smell the powder and wipes scent of your nursery.

I love it that you remember special things too! Like the time I imprinted you with the scent of lavender!! I guess it was a form of brainwashing – making you smell the crushed flowers as I smothered you with kisses and hugs, telling you to remember how much I love you every time you smell lavender – but I don’t regret it, not when you still bring it up every now and then when you find a lavender bush!

You also remember some of my less stellar parenting moments… For all of the times I have let you down, or not done the right thing by you I am so sorry. I promise you I am trying to do the best I can, I am learning and growing every day just like you.

I love how complex you are, and you have been since the day you were born! One of my most vivid memories is of pushing you through the hospital corridors in one of those plastic tubs they put all new babies in. I had just given you a bath, and I looked down at you and there you were; this little bundle with black  spiky hair and dark blue eyes, peering up at me as if questioning my ability to pull this whole mothering caper off! Well, you’re still breathing, so I guess for the most part I’ve done okay.

You’ve walked alongside me through some of the darkest and most traumatic days of my life, and they have  revealed in you a tenderness that takes my breath away. I will never forget that morning when you awoke to me crying, you climbed up into my lap  as I explained that the baby in my tummy had died, you looked into my eyes with an understanding I would have found surprising in a grown man. The feel of your little hand in mine through that long day of hospitals and despair was an anchor that I may never be able to fully explain, but if I suddenly lost every memory I ever had, I am sure that the feel of your hand within mine would anchor me once more.

I love that you have a beautiful respect for life, all life. Especially those without a voice, those who cannot defend themselves, you are a brave defender. There is no cruelty in you, no viciousness or darkness that I see in so many other boys your age. You are an example of what real strength can look like. Kind, genuine, caring, brave and strong, don’t be afraid to be different from those around you, often they are just waiting for the right person to follow. That person is you, be the leader I know is inside of you. Anyone can pick up a weapon and bring death – but it takes a very special person to inspire people to live. It is all within you – keep letting it come out.

You are growing into a wonderful young man, I want you to know just how proud I am to be your mother. While there will be many things that will change over then next few years I want you to know that there are some things that will never change – no matter how much time goes past:

  • I will always be your mum
  • I will always try to kiss, hug, touch, pinch (in a teasing and loving way) and generally show affection at every opportunity
  • I will always see the best version of you
  • I will always try to help you
  • I will always want to talk with you
  • I will ALWAYS know best
  • I will always love you
  • I will always have other things to add to this list!

You are one of a kind. I am so glad that you are mine. Grow big and strong, follow your dreams and know that I believe in you, in everything you can be and will be.

I love you a million hippopotamus yawns.

Always and forever

Your Mum xxoo

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In Every Acorn…

Isn’t it amazing when things happen and there was no way you could ever have foreseen or anticipated them? That’s how I feel about the past couple of months. Two months ago I was plodding my way through the ‘everyday’. You know the drill: the school routine, avoiding the washing, coming up with witty status updates, all the important things that make life what it is.

Then I went to a conference and the speaker; Bill Johnson made a statement that just made me stop.

He said: “In every acorn there is a mighty oak”.

I know that for some of you, this won’t be profound at all. You will read it and be all “pfft what’s the big deal with that?”. If that is you; then you should probably leave now and go watch talking animals on YouTube or something.

For those of you still with me; the reason this statement rocked my world was that it made me view EVERYTHING as an acorn! Okay, not everything; like, not my car or a Snickers bar (mmm Snickers), or the coffee table. But every decision, every conversation and every opportunity I realised, has the potential to become something substantial, something big and huge! I wonder how many acorns I have let slip through my fingers? I wonder how many I have recognised and just kept in my pocket cos I’m too scared lazy busy self-obsessed pre-occupied to find a place to plant it.

Next came the inevitable motherguilt maternal perspective as I got to thinking about my boys. They are two of the most amazing acorns ever! It’s my job to see them planted and cultivated and all that other horticultural stuff! But I wonder am I doing a good job? Are they sprouting, are their roots going deep?  Will they be amazing, strong and mighty specimens of their kind? I truly and deeply hope so.

Then I thought about the fact that some things can grow into might oaks that should never have been planted in the first place! Things like offense, and doubt and self-hatred. How many times has one of these little tough nuts been planted in my life? Then how much time and energy and *cough* manure have I invested in it’s growth? If I am honest there are a few healthy looking trees I need to ring-bark!

So there you have it; I encourage you to consider your own gardens, check out the trees that give your life structure. Do they spring from a good acorn or are they just nuts, draining you of precious energy? Also check your pockets, you might be surprised just how many precious little acorns you have floating around in there. Take a risk and plant them they could change your life!!