Mirrors, Google Maps, and other agents of Satan

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Well hello there fellow air breathers. Yes, I am aware it’s been a while since I’ve shown this blog any love, but really who’s paying any attention. Essentially this blog is a place where I can process my internal dialogue, this is all well and good when said dialogue is focused on chocolate, Benedict Cumberbatch’s chin or whimsical artwork of narwhals. Don’t tell me narwhals aren’t freaking awesome, because they are. So is Benedict. I love you Benedict.

But what of my dialogue of late? It hasn’t been happy, whimsical or even diverted by a certain intellectually stimulating chin. It’s been dark, and sad, and angry, and quite frankly more than a little bit lost. This has been frightening, not because it’s not ok to be sad, but rather because I couldn’t climb out again, at some points I didn’t even want to.

There’s a certain duality that exists inside of me. There’s the part that hungers for rationality, for stability and rightness, for all things to simply be a balance of light and shade. Then there’s this other side that’s forced itself into a dominant position. This part of me that is destructive, impatient, selfish and with little compassion.

There’s a constant battle with a nameless anxiety that sits in the centre of my chest and steals my breath. I know what is inside. It is dark and it’s not worthy of love, praise or even acceptance. All of this exists together at the same time inside of me. a swirling vortex of desolation and hope both warring for real estate in my mind.

It’s exhausting.

I’m exhausted.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can still laugh. In fact this war inside me has made for some pretty hilarious circumstances. For example, just the other day I was getting ready for a road trip. I knew that I was in for a few hours in the car on my own so I thought I would use the time to try and reconnect with God. Well done me. So, I selected the Hillsong United playlist on Pandora and set off. I was super pleased when the first song that popped up was Oceans. Great song. Then, the Google Maps lady starts giving me directions on how to get out of my own driveway. My switch flipped, and I started swearing at the map lady. Now, just take a moment to consider the irony. I am full-rage swearing at a disembodied navigator because I want to sing to Jesus. It’s official, I am insane.

But am I? Am I really? Or am I simply exhibiting the symptoms of a deeper problem. There is darkness inside of me I know that it’s there and I know I can’t fix it. However, rather than fixing my eyes upon the ONLY one who can (Jesus – for those playing along at home).  I have been surrounded with mirrors, mirrors that reflect all the beauty and promise around me, yet the moment I try to go through them into what they portray, all I see is myself. My flaws, my failures, just me. And then I think that the real reason I can’t possibly do, or achieve, or have anything that is good is because of me. That by simply existing I disqualify myself from life.

But thats not right is it. Because Im not seeing truth, I’m seeing a reflection of the truth. A simulacra. A cheap souvenir shop reproduction of a priceless gift. A gift that I have already received. It is already mine through Jesus and the life he gave me.

And so onward I say, beyond the mirrors. Into the greatness of today, and the promise of tomorrow. Because that is what I choose. To see above. To see with a clarity that can only come from the One who made me. My friends, hope and peace are very grand companions, I encourage you to never take them for granted.

imagessigh…

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BIG is Beautiful

I am not a small person in any sense of the word. I am 5’9 and I am certainly not going to be a contender for ‘Next Top Model’. Ever. Yet, as I have matured I have learned much about myself, as life experience often leads us to do. I have discovered that while yes I am physically large, I am also large in other areas.

I have a big smile. It’s a real one, it crinkles my eyes and shows the gap where I had a tooth pulled out (I’m not a big fan of that bit). I have discovered that there is great joy to be had in laughing first at yourself. Fortunately; I provide myself many opportunities to do just that. It is remarkably difficult to think too highly of oneself when tumbling headfirst down the stairs at a crowded cinema. Secondly; when you have children, if you don’t have a robust sense of humour I am certain that insanity or depression or both would quickly follow at your heels. Between one child who had a compulsive habit of eating my lipsticks, and this new one eight years later who poo’s every time I put him in the bath; I have learned that to laugh first is usually the best course of action.

I am large in my faith. I believe in God. Lots of people believe in God. But Amelia without God is futility, a husk and profitless. Many may criticize this statement; perhaps see it as an insult or as a proclamation of weakness. But I have walked my life’s path and it has led me through great despair and loss as well as tremendous joy and love. Yet it has not been my faith in Him; but His faithfulness to me which has seen me through. It is this spiritual relationship, Father to child, Shepherd to lamb, Healer to broken which sets me apart. Any gift I have which makes me remarkable I know is first and foremost a gift from Him.

I am large in my heart. I could give you the full sob story of my childhood, of my self-loathing teen years and every tragic thing in between and since. But frankly that just makes me screw up my face and go ‘blurgh!’. I have a choice. We all have a choice. We as a human race are fatally flawed, and we always will be. We will be hurt, and we will cause hurt; but when this occurs do we barricade our heart? Do we make ourselves prickly and irascible to keep people at bay? Perhaps create a false persona, created from a mosaic of semi-truths we believe more acceptable to others than the real us. I choose not to, I know I am far,far,far,far,far from perfect, but I am me. I am sensitive and tough, I am honest and real and there will always be a little bit of me that is terrified of rejection. But I won’t let that stop me from caring and sharing simply being me. Living life this way has bought me the best kinds of people, and I am always excited to meet new ones so if you are reading this then please COMMENT and say hi!!

I am BIG in so many more ways than my body. I was never meant to blend into the crowd, I want to be that streak of flaming red, the blur of electric blue and a splash of vibrant orange on life’s canvas. What I offer is unique, because what I offer comes from me; and trust me… I am one of a kind.